Fake News

Man Spotted Ordering Two Frappuccinos 

SOMEWHERE—A man in a Starbucks on Tuesday is reported to have been seen ordering two Frappuccinos on a cold day, and then exiting the store, according to witnesses. Speculation abounds over the destination of the second Frappuccino and the motive behind the choice of beverage in the middle of winter. 

“He was taking a really long time to order,” said Roger Hodgkins, age twenty-eight, who was standing behind the suspect in line. Hodgkins, who frequents this particular Starbucks, was still drinking his coffee when he gave his testimony. He reports that the man, who was wearing a grey tweed jacket, a plaid scarf, and a black beanie, seemed agitated while placing his order. After scrutinizing the menu for a considerable length of time, he asked for two Salted Caramel Mocha Crème Frappuccinos®. When the barista asked him if he wanted whipped creme, he seemed not to understand the question, and when it was repeated, he declined, and then changed his mind and assented. When the barista walked away to place the order, he became flustered and called after her to request that one of them be made with soy milk. 

“He didn’t even know what he was talking about,” said Hodgkins. “He asked for large instead of Venti.”

According to the National Weather Service, the high for Tuesday was 38 degrees Fahrenheit, and at the time the order was placed, around 10:00 AM, it would have been closer to 27. Weather like this prompts most customers, like Hodgkins, for opt for more warming beverages like the Caramel Brulée Latte. 

But the question most witnesses are asking is, “Why two Frappuccinos?” 

“We see this kind of thing before,” says Officer Burt Blakey with the City Police. “It’s usually kids bringing something cold to their mamas on menopause. Helps with the heat flashes, you know. Probably the mom is lactose intolerant which explains the soy.” When asked why it was necessarily the mother who wanted the soy milk and not the suspect, Blakey admitted he would need to investigate further.

Most witnesses and investigators agree that one beverage was probably for the suspect’s own consumption, while the other was likely intended for someone else. Speculations on who the receiver could be range from first dates to significant others to bosses, even to the homeless. However, no homeless persons in the area could corroborate the claim. 

Others on the scene took no issue with the idea of the man purchasing two Frappuccinos for himself. “One for now and one for later,” suggests Heidi Winterbottom, who was sitting at a table drinking an Americano when the incident took place. “You can put them in the freezer. What I don’t get is why he didn’t get something seasonal. The Juniper Crème Frappuccino® is really what’s getting the attention these days.”

The barista on duty declined comment.

I think he had to have been testing the difference between the soy milk and the whole milk, maybe even bringing them back to a lab” says Hodgkins, wiping foam from his lips. “Definitely for science.” 

If anyone has knowledge of the suspect’s whereabouts, they are encouraged to contact the Police Department. 

One comment on “Fake News

  1. annasones Post Author

    I learned things I hated while writing this, for instance that Frappuccino is capitalized and spelled with a “u”.

    I did once, while stopped at a stop light, see a pedestrian holding two Frappuccinos. For a whIle I considered turning it into a ballad or epic poem, but since I am not a poet, I heartily encourage anyone out there to pick up the gauntlet.

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