HELP WANTED: Personal assistant. Must be fluent in spoken and written English. Must be friendly, compassionate, encouraging, and a good decision-maker. Must bathe often as we will be in close proximity. Must be willing to be in close proximity with someone who bathes less frequently. Must also be willing to encourage said person (me) to bathe more frequently. Tasks will include standing by my side at all times and telling me I’m doing a good job. If I am not doing a good job, advisory should be given, but please do it gently. Chauffeur responsibilities may arise as soon as I get a job. Until that time, tasks will include (but are not limited to) reading over my resumé and cover letters, reminding me of qualifications I forgot I had, and telling me if my tie clashes with my shirt when I prepare to go to job interviews, should any arise. Extra compensation will be given for accompanying me to said job interview and whispering encouraging things in my ear before I walk in the door. Thumbs ups are encouraged. On off-hours, tasks may include (but are not limited to) prohibiting me from canceling plans with friends unless I am really truly ill, reminding me that it’s my parents’ anniversary, and warning me that I really don’t need as much cayenne pepper as I think I do. When I seize up in terror over whether to go grocery shopping before or after the gym, comforting words about my competence should be uttered, and then the decision should promptly be made for me. When I am grouchy, my feelings are to be justified, unless the are unavoidably unjustifiable. Once in a while, tell me I’m pretty.
Compensation will be hourly. Housing included. Any food that is not burnt or ruined is free to share. Pay grade is commensurate with patience levels. Pay raises will be strongly considered for any candidate who can shine light and order on the universe.
